Currently Listening Blindside By Blindside see related

spiraling

Walking further. Spiraling down deeper into this dark hall I stumble through. I sometimes walk freely, others, I clutch the wall as I go. I can see, but only as I really try. As I walked, occasional segments were unusually well lit, and that, partially because my eyes have grown accustomed to darker surroundings. I moved on past one corner and felt the wall widen and the room open up and the light in this place was too much for me at first I stopped for a minute, covering my eyes and trying to let them adjust while my mind raced to figure out what this meant. The more I wondered, the more scared I was. I had no idea what this was, but it looked like the end of my narrow tunnel. Something in me told me it wasn't, but it looked like it was, and I didn't want to go on.. As I stepped into the light and started walking past the opening, I felt stronger but still afraid. My first steps were unsure but I kept on and as I was walking, I saw that at the end of the light, just past the light's reach, was the dark, cold entrance to another tunnel and as I was coming to the end of the light and as I stepped out of the light, I ducked my head and held my breath as I stepped into the tunnel. I started doing what I had been before, but this time either it was completely dark or my eyes were failing me there. The air around me was thick and unmoving and I clung to the wall. As I was wandering deeper and deeper in the dark, I felt myself going in circles deep inside of me. I felt numb and cold and blind. Fears tore through my mind and in the dark, I started losing memory of light and hope. I wanted to think I'd be ok in the end, but I saw the end of the tunnel in my mind and it wouldn't leave. Slowly as I crept into black, and wandered further into myself, I lost the ability to feel and at the end, I could see myself trying to feel and I saw myself trying to stay alive, pumping my heart with my hands...cause after a while, it stopped pumping itself. The dark air I was breathing was working it's way into me, into my heart..numbing and freezing it, and I was so far from light and warmth that I was lost. I was dead before I layed down. I woke up and pulled my head off of my knees and realized I'd been crying and got up and started walking up against the wall. My heart hurt. I could feel the end making it's beginning in me. My eyes were watering as my heart was bleeding.. "God, where are You??... Is this the end? I don't feel You anymore.."
"I'm here."....and when I heard that, I stopped moving. I wanted to hear Him for so long but only shadows and whispers till now.
"Will I see the end of what You sent me here for?"
"If you keep walking and don't quit. If you trust Me"
"...Am I going to die?.."
"If you're in Me, you already have...but if you're in Me, you'll never die again."
"Will You stay with me please?".. And tears fell from my eyes and I felt my head lift and I heard Him say, "I'll never leave you or forsake you.. I love you more than you'll ever know." And my heart stirred inside me and I wiped my face, pulled myself up, dusted my knees and I started walking, going over His words and His voice in my head. I'm not forgotten and I'm not alone.

Currently Listening The Physics of Fire By Becoming the Archetype see related

Ok, story time...

I sat beside one of my favorite people tonight and as they were starting the movie and getting settled, a few people were still due but we were gonna still start it anyway. No one was currently talking to me so I just kept my own company and just thought about a few of the more amusing things that happened tonight.. and it kept me entertained. but again, I started to feel a little more distant from everything and pretty much everyone. I got up and wandered around the house that was currently vacant in all the other rooms, but I wanted to get out for a minute, cause as the other things got smaller and farther from me, me and my feelings got bigger and I knew it would eventually be noticeable to anyone who saw me if I didn't get some of this out of me. So I followed my natural course of action and went outside to be under the moon and the few stars that were out and just throw some questions at God and talk it out with Him a little. The pain, or void and the aching numbness was alleviated and I felt better, and I made my way back inside praying that I wouldn't lose what I just got and then I found my place on the couch. The movie was cool... and the people I watched it with were cool, and the drive on the way back, in the breaks of occasional conversing, I'd be halfway out of touch, just deep in thought and seeing the strain I put in relationships in my life through my strained expression and ignorance and frustration at the open-ended question "how?" but even when I can't easily think of what to say, I still every once in a while want someone just to be.. and just to be there with me. I know He's there, and He's never failed me, yet I still wrestle with myself and my emotions, some of which still remain unnamed and undefined... irregardless, I am glad I went, even if I felt out of place.
       When I got back to drop everyone off after a relatively quiet ride, I went to the dumpster and took out a few frustrations, while wishing I had a punching bag or maybe just a dumpster of my own to do that with more often... When I get that frustrated, I can't let myself be seen mishandling emotions or at all lashing out... usually that's when I just get more and more quiet, using less words and using even more respectful terms and sometimes solemnly praising the people around me that I respect and love more than I normally do because it seems to matter more when I've temporarily lost some respect or love for myself. so I just lock up my frustrations and use it as a fire to burn me into a better person and try to not hurt anyone or anything else, and if it's still getting to me, I'll break and cry out to God later and let some of it out and cry out for mercy and love... or maybe just wait till later and hit something that doesn't break, show, or hurt when I do. I'm not always sure what provokes it when this pensiveness and all these things come on, but sometimes more than others, when it's provoked it answers and it comes hard.
      Anyways, so after my session with the dumpster, I just go on back to my car and head on home and prepare for tomorrow... Bless the Lord, O my soul... He's been too good to me. I'm further than where I was, and very glad to be there, but like one man said, "conversion is a miracle in a time. Sanctification is a process that takes a lifetime" and in the words of one song, "...awake in this cold cell, I am my only devil" but though I know I've got so much room to grow, I don't mourn despairingly but He's made me more than a conqueror and He knows me better than I do... I'm with Him... and He'll show me where to go and what to do because if I fix it myself, it'll come back from the dead and take vengeance and I can't manage. then the night would sink in
                                                                       Lord, help me

Jake

Currently Listening Silence By Blindside Cute, boring love see related

"Cute, Boring Love"

She said what I was supposed to think
Thank God for freedom
Thank God for liberation
(She said) Now we are allowed to think
Now we are allowed to feel lust without cute boring love

But don't you ever just like me
Long for purity
Don't you ever
Get sick of our territories

What are you so scared of sister
What made you so afraid to feel
To chose a stone cold liberation
The one thing I hate most about me
Is the one thing you want to make your trademark
To feel lust without cute boring love

But don't you ever just like me
Long for purity
Don't you ever
Get sick of our territories
Don't you ever feel like glass
Fragile, hurting, letting it pass
Don't you think it's time to trespass

But when the fire is gone
Who are you?
What are you so scared of sister?
I'm just as scared as you

...dang

Currently Listening Silence By Blindside see related

ok ok ok... so it's been a while since I've posted... so I thought I'd post..